On 3 hours sleep I am trying to see the positive side of a new baby in my life. My second bub is less work than my first but it seems so much harder this time. Probably because they wake each other and my previously perfectly sleeping-through 21mth old is now night waking and wanting to cuddle, read books and generally get some reassurance that the footsteps he's hearing at all hours of the night are mine and not some green-eyed monsters'.
But if another older woman, be it my mother or the well-meaning neighbour tells me again that this is the best time of my life and I should be relishing it, I'll scream. It is not the best time – yes it is amazing and I am so lucky in so many ways but until a baby's brain is taught how to sleep you can't truly enjoy them. Let's be honest on 3 hours sleep you start getting desperate and you do resent them for making you wretched in every way.
Don't get me wrong I adore my two sons, but as Charles Dickens wrote "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." and it is exactly that. I long for that person that laughed more, that didn't have a headache most of the time, that had spare time to think and just be. It probably sounds selfish but I miss myself – and I am scared of who I have become...namely more like my mother than I care to admit, (if she could get me to care about the housekeeping 100% of the time the incarnation would be complete).
I know I'm not meant to complain about this - what about people who can't have babies, or those that have lost them - god forbid.. I am aware logically of how blessed I am - I have a happy healthy family which is all that should matter. But sleep deprivation seems to remove all logic. And when I look at my life through bleary eyes I only see the negatives.
I know I'm not meant to complain about this - what about people who can't have babies, or those that have lost them - god forbid.. I am aware logically of how blessed I am - I have a happy healthy family which is all that should matter. But sleep deprivation seems to remove all logic. And when I look at my life through bleary eyes I only see the negatives.
Here's hoping tonight my youngest will sleep more than 3.5hrs at a time then my world will be clearer, my guilt will be less, my husband will sigh with relief and I will truly appreciate the beautiful madness that my two gorgeous boys have made of my life.
