Recently a very intelligent man was on TV, I stopped faffing about on Twitter to listen as he was asked, “Do kids ruin marriage?” Without a second thought he responded “I can tell you for free, not having kids [myself], you can still not have sex” Hold the phones! I thought we were talking about marriage?
I’m glad Joe Hildebrand jumped automatically from happy marriage to frequency of sex because now I can stop calling my husband a pørnstar. He’s not a pørnstar, he’s just a normal bloke. Like many p€nis-possessors, my husband interprets any word, phrase, action or movement as something to do with s€x.
Consider an innocent hug, in the hands of a male it quickly turns into a crash tackle against the kitchen bench. A bend over to pick up a toy is a screaming invitation for a dry run. Getting changed into your PJs is really you saying “Want to play with these fun bags?” while he øgles unashamedly. And reaching for your drink at dinner is a blatant request to touch one of them.
And if your thought actions spoke louder than words try these phrases out on your special pørnstar, I mean man.
She says: Pass the sauce please
He hears: Blah blah you’re a saucy thing blah blah
She says: Can you put out the garbage?
He hears: Blah blah I put out blah blah
She says: Have you heard about that job?
He hears: Blah Blah blah bløw job blah blah
She says: Isn’t it hot today?
He hears: Blah blah you’re so hot blah blah blah
She says: Can you turn on the hose?
He hears: Blah blah I love getting w€t mmnnn blah blah
She says: You are so rude!
He hears: Blah blah get me nµde blah blah blah
As Billy Crystal once said “Women need a reason to have s€x. Men just need a place.” Basically whatever you do, as it filters through the male brain it usually pops out as an invitation for s€x. You could be swinging a cat at a funeral and you’d hit a bloke ready to shag you in the aisle in front of the coffin.
He hears: Blah blah you’re a saucy thing blah blah
She says: Can you put out the garbage?
He hears: Blah blah I put out blah blah
She says: Have you heard about that job?
He hears: Blah Blah blah bløw job blah blah
She says: Isn’t it hot today?
He hears: Blah blah you’re so hot blah blah blah
She says: Can you turn on the hose?
He hears: Blah blah I love getting w€t mmnnn blah blah
She says: You are so rude!
He hears: Blah blah get me nµde blah blah blah
As Billy Crystal once said “Women need a reason to have s€x. Men just need a place.” Basically whatever you do, as it filters through the male brain it usually pops out as an invitation for s€x. You could be swinging a cat at a funeral and you’d hit a bloke ready to shag you in the aisle in front of the coffin.
In the end Joe hit the nail on the head, so to speak, as kids don’t ruin marriage. The rating difference between males and females is actually to blame. Somewhere between his constant R-r@ting and her preferred G-rating falls the growing divorce statistics.
So girls, if you need a hug, want a conversation or have to bend over make sure you’re only in the presence of females. And blokes, another wise man – this time Steve Martin – once said “Don’t have s€x, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”
In conclusion there’s a reason most stallions are gelded.....ouch!
This initially appeared on JustB Australia as "Thinking with their little head" on October 5th, 2011
